time flies is not a joke.
it’s been over two months since I dealt with losing my dad suddenly in an unexpected circumstance. two months. tears already dried. the heart break now isn’t as sharp as the first few weeks. but there’s this niggling feeling of lost.
kind of like losing teeth and when the tongue swiped inside the mouth, there’s this ghost-y feeling of it being there, but then no, there’s no teeth, it’s an empty space now.
it’s jarring. unfamiliar.
when somebody asked about my parents, I talked as if he was still alive, but then, it was more because I didn’t know how to say it out loud without bringing it into the spotlight.
there’s no denial. I am very much aware of the reality. that dad is no longer there (even though, what’s the different? we’ve been separated for years, meeting only once every few years).
it’s the feeling of this is my grief, my sorrow, mine alone. even if somebody else know about it, what is it to them? I am not sharing my grief. I am not sharing my sorrow. the feeling of lost is not going to be divided into halves with other people knowing and sympathizing.
it’s just.. hard, huh?
just a few days ago, I lost another person. we’re not that close, but I’d like to think when we lived together in the share house, we’re close enough to be called more than friend. now, she’s gone, and there’s this indifferent feeling, the opposite of what I felt when I lost dad.
I wonder, how one deals with lost? How to cope? Now, I feel like I don’t have anything to lose anymore.